– JANUARY 12, 2017 –
Mr. Crusher’s Statement on Russia
There was no letter to Russia from the President-elect yesterday. Mr. Crusher has never written a letter to anyone in Russia including the President of Russia Vladimir Putin. He does not know any Russians. He does not know anyone of Russian background. Mr. Crusher has never been to Russia. Mr. Crusher is not aware nor has he ever been aware of the existence of Russia. If you show Mr. Crusher a map of the world and ask him to point out Russia he will stand silent and motionless until broken from his trance by the introduction into his field of vision of a Queen of Diamonds playing card. This is because he has owned many tremendous casinos (the best casinos) and cares very much about his tremendous businesses just as he cares about America. Mr. Crusher is working hard to Make America Great Again and has NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA. He has never even said the word Russia what he said in fact was Prussia. If you ask him what kind of dressing he wants on his salad he will say Italian or Ranch or Thousand Island or Roquefort or Buttermilk or Caesar or Creamy Cucumber or Green Goddess or Balsamic Vinaigrette or Catalina or Tomato & Oregano but never ever Russian. He has never played Russian Roulette. He has never read Tolstoy or Chekov or Dostoevsky. He was not given a set of seven hand-painted linden wood lacquered Semenov stacking matryoshka nested dolls by a member of the Russian mafia on 9 November 2013 after the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow at approximately 0:27 local time. Eighty-six contestants did not wear tremendous evening gowns and the best swimsuits for “the world’s biggest and most iconic beauty contest.” Mr. Crusher does not drink so there could not have been an after-party on 9 November 2013 where Russian oligarchs consumed vodka and discussed business with Mr. Crusher who has never been to Moscow. Mr. Crusher has never noted how the golden base of the stacking matryoshka nested dolls look so nice against the 24-karat gold of his Louis XIV giltwood Portor marble-top centre table featuring a flower-filled trellis frieze centred by a female mask flanked by pierced acanthus on stepped tapering legs headed by scrolled capitals hung with husk-chains and fronted by masks joined by elaborate x-shaped stretchers centred by an octagonal boss with flower finial. Russians have never admired the painted ceilings of Mr. Crusher’s home which allegedly feature Apollo according to unverified reports that have been leaked to the fake media by liars. The Russians did not leave Mr. Crusher’s home shortly after a visit to follow-up on discussions which did not happen on 9 November 2013. It is impossible to put a recording and/or transmission device into a stacking matryoshka doll. Please notice that I am standing behind a large stack of what appears to be important documents which tells you Mr. Crusher has no conflicts of interest.
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Media inquiries: Mr. Kalashnikov: (202) 419.7939