Gather around, children, gather around. That’s right, at my feet, like good patriotic Americans. Kids, don’t sit on the Louis XIV chairs, made of the best 24k gold, okay? Sit here on the marble floor, which my servants will have an easier time sanitizing after you’re gone, which hopefully will be soon. I am kidding, just kidding … well, sort of kidding. You know satire, right? It’s when you’re sort of kidding, but also sort of serious, but also you really mean it but you don’t. You can tell satire, right? I hope so, but most people can’t, even adults can’t. Even adults who read this website, in many cases.

Anyway, I am your new President, Mr. Crusher. Even if your parents are losers and haters, I am still your President. I am going to unite all of us big league—the Christians, the Jewish people, and all the inner city people who can’t walk a block without being shot. True. And sad, so sad. I love the inner city people, tremendous people. So I will unite all of us and all of them, the inner city and the outer city and the rural and I guess ex-urban would be on the list too. And ex-rural, if that’s a place. I’ve never heard of ex-rural, but if it exists I will make it great, so great. Let’s all unite as people under one flag, and under one God, and under one nation, by listening to a Christmas story and then greeting each other in the proper way, which is Merry Christmas and not Happy Holidays, which you should never say because it’s politically correct, and that’s bad.

Okay, story time!

Once there was a reindeer named Rudolph, and he had a very shiny nose and in fact a shiny face. You could even say it glowed, his nose and face, and you could say they were orange. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They told Rudolph he would never win Michigan, or Ohio, or Pennsylvania. The dishonest media, they were totally bias against Rudolph, and they loved another reindeer named Hilari. Yes, that was an actual reindeer of Santa’s, and the corrupt media never told you about her. Sad! By the way … just look at this crowd, tremendous crowd. Can we turn the camera and see how big the crowd is. I got here an hour ago and the children were lined up outside the door and down Fifth Avenue. And it’s cold out, so cold, but what a tremendous crowd. Don’t worry about the ones outside, they can keep warm with some commemorative Bigly Christmas baseball caps, which my sons are selling out there. You can get one too, on the way out.

Rudolph, he won big league, a historic win. He wasn’t popular with all the reindeer, but he could have been if he had wanted to win the popular support, which he didn’t. What matters is the Santoral College, because Santa chose him by a huge landslide. And the reindeer … people call me, and they say, Mr. Crusher, you are a lot like Rudolph, they say and … by the way, the Grinch, well he tried to steal Christmas away. He did, tried to steal it right away, the Grinch. He said, “it’s too warm … the snow is melting, global warming, we can’t have Christmas anymore.” The Grinch, do you know what he says? He says, and I’m not making this up, “Happy Holidays,” he says. Can you believe it? “Happy Holidays.” True. The Grinch. I mean, what a hater. But Santa, he’s a real patriot, he didn’t listen to the Grinch, right? No, he didn’t buy what the Grinch was saying. Santa gets his news from InfoWars and Breitbart, real patriots, great news sources, the best. So Santa visited all the countries where there are no terrorists, and it was tremendous.

Santa … this was a long time ago, kids, even before your parents were born, he visited Jesus away in a manger, which I think is a type of bed like they have in the inner city, a futon or something. I don’t know. My bed has a silk canopy and the sheets are Egyptian Cotton from Milan, but there was no room in the hotels for Jesus. Believe me, there would have been room in Crusher Hotel but I wasn’t building my tremendous hotels there yet, in Jerusalem or wherever it was. I would have said, Jesus, you can stay in my best room, and by the way, Jesus, I am moving the US embassy to Jerusalem. By the way, I hope Santa gives America some nukes for Christmas, because our military is so depleted, so depleted.

Speaking of gifts, three wise men came to the manger, and they had gifts. They gave Jesus 24k gold and two other things that weren’t gold, but I’m sure they were great gifts. Jesus was an important guy, a king, so of course he had to have gold. That’s what kings do, they amass gold. It’s good, the Bible says so. I mean, you kids might even want some gold some day, a little bit of gold, like a ring or a necklace. My bathroom sink and my toilet are made of gold, did you know that? True. By the way, if you have to use the bathroom, there’s a portable toilet out in the hall, near the elevator. Remember to take a hand wipe after, from the dispenser. The nice security people will show you.

Christmas is a magical time. Look at Frosty the Snowman. He could walk and talk and everything else. And now, what do they say? They say Frosty the Snowperson! Yeah, snowperson, politically correct, can’t say Snowman anymore. No, if you do they’ll throw you in jail. It’s the War on Snowmen, kids, and that’s why our country loses. We lose. None of our snowmen are even made here anymore, they’re all made in China and Mexico, our snowmen. They say Frosty melted, but global warming is a hoax. Look at how cold it is tonight, I mean, it’s really cold. I’m glad I’m not standing out there. And the … it’s … by the way … and … kids … yeah. So much for global warming.

You’re a great crowd. I love kids, you kids are the best. I could sit here and talk about Christmas all night. I could, all night, just talk and tell stories. But I have very big responsibilities now, as the next leader of the free world. Tremendous power, huge responsibilities. Unfortunately I have to go, I’m sorry. It’s my job. I have to go while it’s cold outside and tweet about global warming. And there’s a loser I have to tweet about, too, a real failure. It’s my job, as your leader, as the leader of the free world. So God bless you, and God bless Christmas, and God Bless America. Have a Bigly Christmas, everyone.