The sun rises over the city of Geld. “Thank-you, Damien Crusher,” says the President-elect. “Thank-you for once again causing the sun to rise over your tremendous city.”
2016
Kalashnikov’s Umbrella
I have been summoned by the President-elect, Mr. Crusher. He wishes to speak to me of peace. Not only of peace, but of war. And not only of peace and of war, but of the Middle East. You see, Mr. Crusher believes that he can bring peace to the Middle East.
A Bigly Christmas
Gather around, children, gather around. That’s right, at my feet, like good patriotic Americans. Kids, don’t sit on the Louis XIV chairs, made of the best 24k gold, okay? Sit here on the marble floor, which my servants will have an easier time sanitizing after you’re gone, which hopefully will be soon.
Kalashnikov and the Russian Hack
I submit my report to the Electoral College, as follows…
The Party
– “Look at her,” shouts the Orange Menace. “Look at the loser! So SAD!”
They look. They attack. Now that the party has been given a common theme, a shared purpose, they co-ordinate, like a master switch turning everything on simultaneously. They focus their hate on the young lady and set to the work of tearing her down.
Kalashnikov is On the Case
I was hired to investigate the election. There, I have said it. It is out in the open now. There are suspicions that the Russians have hacked the computers that tally the votes. Whose suspicions? I have no idea, they are suspicions. Anyone may have them. Russians, for example.
Peace Comes to the Middle East
The people of this region have fought for millennia, but there will be peace. At last, there will be peace in this land.
The Presidential Apprentice s01e03
Today I will be judging the contestants for this very important cabinet position. Only one will win. No one but me and my extremely telegenic daughter, Laki, will know who that is. But let me tell you, it’s going to be very, very tough.
America: Open for Business
“America,” says the Orange Crusher. “What a wonderful place!” He will sleep well tonight. He will dream a tremendous dream. And soon that dream will become reality.
The Spirit Works Through Him
The orange menace sleeps his usual seventeen minutes but does not sleep well. He wakes with the mist of a terrfying dream thick upon his brain.
The Orange Menace Chooses His Cabinet
Each morning the orange menace rises at 4:20, refreshed by his standard seventeen minutes of sleep, and prepares for the day. His eyes open to the copula and take in the ceiling fresco. Apollo is crossing the sky in his… Read More ›
Introducing Mr. Leed
Geld Times journalist Barry Leed is an unacknowledged hero. Although he failed to anticipate the triumphal rise of the orange menace, he retrospectively writes of its inevitability. There’s nothing about this shocking election victory that Mr. Leed cannot explain. “It’s obvious… Read More ›
The Return of The Orange Menace
The orange menace returns to his city of Geld in triumph. He is the anointed one. From atop his fortress he scans the southern coast. – “My city,” he says. “The everperning gyre, of depravity and appetite unbound, subjugated to… Read More ›
Hilari
The monstrous sun rises over the tableau, another da capo round of the daily quotidian’s diurnal recurrence. Hilari pauses her work of harvesting to savour a morsel of the dawn. Amor fati, she grumbles, of the eternal recurrence. She returns… Read More ›
The Office of Official Optimism
Bim Kerbler is a Junior Associate in the Office of Official Optimism, Division “C” (Quotations) Unit 42 (Inspiration) sub-sector twenty-nine (Cats). His particular area of assumed expertise is words.
