In three sleeps I will be the 45th President of the United States and the best President ever of all time. My inauguration will be the best inauguration and they will look back and see that the marching bands were the best marching bands. I will say to President O, Get the F*** Out Of My House! Maybe I will say something else (I haven’t decided) but in my mind I will definitely be thinking GTFO. Then I will have someone pee on the bed where he slept and then burn it on a giant fire, while I dance naked under the full moon, because I hate him.
There are so many things I am going to change and fast. Then one day there will be an emergency like a mass shooting or a terrorist attack and that’s when I’ll REALLY make the big change that changes everything. But right now, Dear Diary, I want to write about the Olympics.
The main problem with the Olympics is the bronze and the silver. There only needs to be gold. Gold is the best and the Olympics should be the best and there should only be gold. The winner gets the gold and everyone else is a total loser. The total losers are failures with no stamina and they should not be rewarded for being losers and failures. They should go home with nothing. Like a loser.
Another problem with the Olympics is elitism. The Olympics will be different when I am President because they will not be dominated by the elites. Right now you have these people who train for years. They have been athletes for their whole life. They are career athletes. I am not a career athlete, I’m an Olympic outsider. I have tremendous businesses and it’s time for new thinking, for new ways of making the Olympics great again. It’s time for the Olympics to belong to the people, not to the elites and the special interests and the globalists.
Instead of these elites we will have the people and an Olympics where I will decide for the people who is tremendous, who has great stamina, who is the best, and who is the winner. I will watch the contestants, or maybe I won’t watch them, and I’ll decide. Maybe I won’t watch them because I am so good at knowing who is tremendous that I can decide just by meeting them at my tower over a steak dinner. Give me five minutes and I’ll tell you who is the best. Then I will give them the gold and the rest can go home.
That’s how the Olympics will work when I am President Crusher. Instead of following some sort of elite regimen, with exercises and practice and rules, the contestants will follow their gut. There won’t be rules. Knock down your opponent with a stick when he’s not looking. Hire someone to put drugs in his Gatorade. As long as it makes for a dramatic and entertaining Olympics, I will overlook it and give out the gold. It will be 24-karat gold, the best gold.
Doping will also be okay in my new, great Olympics. (They will be known as The Great Olympics The Best.™) Russia will be encouraged to use performance enhancing drugs, rather than being punished for doing so. As a result, Russia will probably win a lot of gold medals, even more than the United States, but that’s okay because Russia is a great country with a tremendous President. Even if they get all the gold medals it will be okay because they are our friends, the Russians.
Because, in my Olympics, the gold medals will not go to the usual, elite contestants, Ben Carson will probably win at sports like the 100-metre freestyle. Sure it’s true that he’s never been an Olympic swimmer, but in the bullet-ridden violent deadly inner-city ghetto where he grew up, there was a public swimming pool, filled with the floating bodies of children murdered in the drive-by shootings of marauding drug gangs that you see wherever there are brown people. So I will give him gold. Rudy Giuliani will win at figure skating, because September 11. Actually, anyone who does what I say without ever questioning and criticizing me will get gold.
This is just one of my many ideas but it’s late now and time to attack someone on Twitter.