DEPRESSION, war and totalitarianism. Who doesn’t get nostalgic thinking about the 1920s, 30s and 40s? No one, is who! Perhaps that’s why the old-timey barbershop has returned, and with it the hairstyles of the early-to-mid 20th Century.

Should you replace your current, out-of-style look with a fade? Or maybe an undercut?

I mean, look at this behind-the-times guy. His hipster “I-ride-a-fixed-gear-bicycle” beard is so 2013! That’s dangerous, by the way. What happens is that your toga gets caught in the bicycle chain and you veer off the Appian Way into the aqueduct. Best case scenario is you end up smelling like a Roman aqueduct, and worst case is you bang your head and forget how to conjugate your verbs.

Remember years ago, when everyone had a Caesar? This look is apparently named after some Roman guy who opened a palace in Las Vegas. The Roman hair styles are a perennial favourite, because they require no product. The reason for this is that Roman hair is made of solid, unmovable marble.

Around the turn of the last century, short and flat-combed hair with dramatic middle and side parts was quite popular. Men used oinments and pomades. As the name suggests, pomade was originally made from mashed apple. These hair styles were typically accompanied by moustaches, which were originally also made of apples. Then, in 1897, the future King Edward VII revolutionized fashion when he grew a moustache made entirely of hair.

The latest craze is the vintage look of the 1940s.

With the undercut you can add the other rage of the moment, tattoos. I’m not really a tattoo person myself, so I think I’d use the freed-up space where my hair once was to write shopping lists and first drafts of my blog posts.

It’s hard keeping up with the ever-changing trends, and that’s why I prefer the timeless looks. Like bed head, for instance. This classic style lets everyone know that a) you have a bed and b) you like your bed. Also c) you are so comfortable in your own skin that you haven’t gotten around to washing it today. And you know what d) screw it I’m going back to bed. So lots of points for bed head.

To choose the perfect vintage hair style, first determine the shape of your face. The most common facial shapes are: square, round, oblong, triangle, diamond, oval, pickle, dodecahedron, rectified dodecahedron, sort of like a Dali painting, and Cincinnati. Once you’ve identified your facial shape, visit a barber with a picture you’ve torn out of Men’s Hair Magazine. Hand him the photo and say For the love of god, please help me.

Look for my bed head on Twitter. Here is my new book.