America: Open for Business

America’s rich diversity streams to the tower for an audience with the orange menace. President-elect Crusher receives the variegated entourage with evident pleasure. He is charmed by the oil billionaire. The Hollywood billionaire is amusing. The media billonaire cajoles. The hedge fund billionaire tells a funny story involving a scandalous politician and a Rockaway restaurant. The real estate billionaire performs an indecent but also competent impersonation of George Soros. The technology billionaire speaks mostly of golf.
– “We’ll have to get on the course,” says the orange menace.
– “Let’s,” says the technology billionaire.

His guests are a veritable rainbow of the multiform human family, a living arc-en-ciel.

Now, please be aware that the rainbow is a meteorological event involving the reflection, refraction, and dispersion of light in water. Understand that light is color, and that the rainbow is of sevenfold hue: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. Realize that if you mix all of the colors of the rainbow, you get white. In the fullest sense, Mr. Crusher is a man of this rainbow of inclusion.

In the selfsame way, mix the nation’s poor with the working classes and toss in the middle class for good measure, and you end up with a tremendous compound known as a billionaire. Then of course you must mix all the human chromosomes together, in the interest of the rainbow principle—the diverse Xs and all the variegated Ys. Yes, toss them into the grand multicultural melting-pot. Now give it a good stir. Do you see the result? It is a marvellous XY, a male, a miracle of nature, to say nothing of science! No, no, don’t stop. Keep stirring the pot. The orange menace would have it no other way.

As Mr. Crusher receives the Everyman rainbow of billionaire men, so too he regales the world’s diplomats. The orange menace spends mornings in his tower and afternoons in his hotels, showering the diplomats, guests of Crusher Hotel, in gifts: gilt bags of CRUSHER chocolate, gold bottles of CRUSHER champagne, golden coupons for discounted golf at CRUSHER courses, autopened T-shirts and hats, CRUSHER toiletries, CRUSHER brochures, CRUSHER investment opportunities bearing the slogan “America: Open for Business!”
– “You have a beautiful hotel,” says the Ambassador from Gabon. “Perhaps more beautful even than the White House.”
– “Oh, don’t you worry, Mike. I have some plans for the White House,” says Mr. Crusher. “Can I call you Mike?”
– “As you wish,” says the Ambassador.
The ambassadors are compliant, down to a man.

In short time Mr. Crusher completes the circuit and returns to Crusher Tower. It’s exciting to have generated so many leads, of such high quality. The conversion rate will doubtless be fantastic. The very assets of the nation are now available to him as lead magnets. As President he will have a tremendous value proposition. And his product funnel! It knows no bounds! Soon his brand will dominate every industry in every nation. Every newspaper article will be an advertisement, every Tweet a promo, every coffee shop conversation in every town a pitch. He will launch fantastic new products and license his name in innumerable ways. He will purchase the lucrative assets that his administration will privatise. He will compel the earth to patronize his businesses, and the nations’ people will dutifully pay his price.
– “America,” says the Orange Crusher. “What a wonderful place!” He will sleep well tonight. He will dream a tremendous dream. And soon that dream will become reality.

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