The Presidential Apprentice “You’re hired!” s01e03 11/22/2016
NEW YORK MONTAGE
ORANGE MENACE (V.O.)
New York is a tough place, and that’s why I love it. I also love a good show. In this town everything is show business. You want to make it big? Then learn how to put on a show. I’m talking real drama. I know show business, and look where I am today. The White House!
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE – MORNING
A helicopter lands. The ORANGE MENACE steps out and walks toward the camera in slow motion. He wears a suit, power tie, and overcoat. He has perfect hair. He stands at the door of the White House. A stretch limousine arrives. A valet opens the car door. We see the feet of a passenger stepping out.
ORANGE MENACE (to camera)
The Department of Homeland Security has tremendous responsibility. They are in charge of keeping us safe from the bad guys. And trust me, folks, there are a lot of bad guys out there. That’s why today I will be judging the contestants for this very important cabinet position. Only one will win. No one but me and my extremely telegenic daughter, LAKI, will know who that is. But let me tell you, it’s going to be very, very tough.
His daughter LAKI walks into the shot slow-motion. Her hair dances in the wind. She stands next to the orange menace.
The KANSAS SECRETARY OF STATE shakes hands with ORANGE MENACE. His printed copy of the plan for Homeland Security faces outward to the camera.
(Points at KANSAS SECRETARY. Gives “thumbs up” sign.) Kris is a great guy, the best. If he were to win, I’m sure he would make a terrific head of Homeland Security.
They enter the White House.
INT. THE GELD TIMES NEWSROOM – DAY
Barry Leed reads the orange menace’s Twitter feed from a laptop computer screen.
My god, the President-elect is attacking the media on his Twitter account! This is an unprecedented breach of decorum!
Can you give me something by noon?
PRESTON PACK enters.
Hey guys. I just got a lead. President-elect Crusher apparently used his meetings today with some heads of state to promote his businesses. I’m looking into it.
Great. Thanks, Preston.
LIBBY enters. She holds a tablet.
LIBBY E. LEET
You guys have to see this. It’s a video of people giving the Nazi salute at a Washington speech for Crusher.
They watch the video.
We need a story on this, Libby. Some sort of profile of the, you know, the … edgy college educated young man who can quote Genet and votes right-wing Republican. Like that Milo guy, the whole young-gay-handsome-GOP thing.
The what? The edgy thing? Guys, these are, like, totally Nazis. Like, actual real Nazis. In Washington.
Nazi is kind of a loaded word. Like rapist, or …
Heddi struggles for a word.
Liar. Like calling someone a liar.
Yeah, well people lie, Barry. And these people are giving the Nazi salute at an event for the President-elect. Did I mention this is in Washington. In 2016?
Yeah, but are they really Nazis? I mean, real actual Nazis.
What do you want? For them to show us their Nazi ID? For them to start wearing Hugo Boss?
I mean, the Nazi uniform would pretty much … yeah. That would be official Nazi.
Or if they had a song. Maybe. Likely.
If they killed a bunch of Jewish people. I’m just saying. That would be Nazi, technically speaking. The lawyers would back us up on that.
I can’t believe we are having this conversation.
Just give me something by noon, and try not to say Nazis. The lawyers will not be happy.
LIAM MEDJA enters.
Huge story guys. The Vice-President got booed at a movie theatre.
Huge. I think we have our top story today.
Yeah. Apparently the President-elect is really upset that people booed.
I wonder if he’s upset about this Nazi salute thing?
Oh, I heard something about that. They weren’t really Nazis, though, right?
Categories: Personal Essay