I Paid $7 for a Powerful Secret and This is What Happened

dogs-in-boots

TODAY ON MY WALK I saw not one, but four dogs wearing boots. That’s when I started doing something I do a lot, which I call logicalling.

Obviously the dogs did not ask for boots, or pick them out, or put them on. For thousands of years, dogs have been doing fine without sweaters and boots and dog-house air conditioning, an actual thing, and they’d still be doing fine if it weren’t for people with too much spare money.

Why, all-of-a-sudden, in the year 2014, do dogs need winter boots?

That’s a question for philosophers. How I see my role in this as a blogger is as follows: now when I come across someone walking a dog without boots, I glare at them and say, You are a terrible, heartless monster! Then I look at the dog and say, “Oh, you poor wittle naked suffering angel.” Because it follows logically that if dogs need footwear, then the people who take their dogs outside absolutely buck naked should be reported to the authorities. Right?

Right. So ten points for me.

Then again, maybe dogs do need boots. And maybe chimps are people and have human rights. I don’t know. This got me thinking about secrets and mysteries that someone should be spending at least eight hours a day trying to solve, and probably no one is. I mean, I do my share, but even I don’t have forty hours a week to think about the world’s best-kept secrets. Maybe ten. Twenty if it pays really well and has benefits.

Here’s an example of life secrets we need to investigate: why is it that the people in my family never close the kitchen drawers? They are always at least three inches open. Philosophy, you have been way too busy with truth and beauty, and you’re dropping the ball on important questions like You call that hanging up your jacket?

Then there are the philosophical questions it never even occurred to me to ask, like Which NFL team has the best cheerleaders? Geez, I dunno. I stumbled on that timeless philosophical conundrum last night trying to get information about the Buffalo weather (apparently the Buffalo cheerleaders have gone on strike over their humiliating working conditions), and now it’s one more eternal, unanswered question in my logicalling brain.

Here’s another philosophical issue I’d never thought about: the importance of headlines. Before my walk, I watched a seven-dollar video featuring powerful secret tips for writing irresistible headlines (which you can find here). When I got home I must have had the video on my brain, because I wrote a post about things that are irresistible. Then I had to write a headline for that post, putting my seven dollar powerful secret to use.

I’m not going to go through all the things that are in the video, because you can watch it for yourself. And I recommend that you do if you want to write irresistible headlines.

In the video there is something called the “2 AM Rule.” According to this, your headline topic should include something that would keep you up until 2 in the morning. One of the headline examples for this rule is “Five Subtle Signs That Your Child is Experimenting with Cocaine Behind Your Back.” I have to admit that’s a powerful headline. I would definitely be kept up late by the thought that my child is doing coke and not sharing any of it with me.

Well a rule is a rule. So I thought of things that in the past had kept me awake at 2 in the morning, and I wrote some headlines based on that:

I HAVE TO PEE BUT I’M TOO LAZY TO GET UP

I STILL HAVE TO PEE BUT I’M TOO LAZY TO GET UP

I WONDER IF THIS IS DOING DAMAGE TO MY BLADDER

I’M PRETTY SURE HAVING TO PEE AT 2 AM IS A SIGN YOU’RE OLD

OMG IT’S THREE NOW

MEH, PRETTY SOON I’LL HAVE TO GET UP ANYWAY

These are all great headlines, in my opinion, but only for a newspaper that is being published at 2 in the am, and only in my head. Which is a lot like my blog if you think about it.

The headline I finally came up with was SEX AND DRUGS AND MOWING LAWN, which got a bit less than the hundred thousand hits that the author of the video claimed to get using his powerful, secret formula. Maybe I didn’t follow all the rules, or follow them in the right way. I got roughly a hit for each of my seven dollars.

And I still don’t know why dogs need boots, but at least it’s not going to keep me up at night.

It’s no secret I’m on Twitter. Here’s my new book. (Shhh.)

2 responses to “I Paid $7 for a Powerful Secret and This is What Happened

  1. Well, that dog is absolutely adorable.

    Like

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