AN EX-HITMAN [Keanu Reeves] comes out of retirement to track down the gangsters that took everything from him. With New York City as its bullet-riddled playground, John Wick is a fresh and stylized take on the assassin genre. Here is another instalment of John Wick’s many legendary feats.
“I once saw him kill three men with a pencil.”
“I watched him overtake a Minnesota police detachment employing a Baby Einstein Caterpillar & Friends Activity Gym.”
“As I observed him, he assassinated four burly rodeo finalists holding nothing but two tablespoons of baking soda and a prosthetic moustache.”
“Right before my eyes he murdered one-half-dozen NFL linemen using a beach-side watercolor of Varosha.”
“I swear he eradicated the Norwegian Forsvarets spesialkommando and all he needed was an authenticated Al Worden autograph.”
“Twice I caught him conquering western Anatolia armed with a pastel Lomonosov porcelain bird figurine.”
“Only a few feet away from me, he repelled the Afghan Taliban with an asymmetrical floral chiffon long sleeve blouse.”
“I watched in disbelief as he subdued France having at his disposal nothing except litotes and 3 ounces of Wet Nuru body massage oil.”
“In my presence, he killed the US army and his weapon of choice was a half-loaf of Anadama bread.”
“That fellow annihilated Russia with a synonym for holistic, I swear.”
“I saw it with my own eyes when he defeated Kim Jong-un by attacking with a Conceptual Guide to OpenOffice.org 3.”
“He smote the Persians, and he did it using an allusion to Pride and Prejudice and a packet of dehydrated baked potato toppings.”
“There I was, and there he was overthrowing Saint Pierre and Miquelon … buttered rye toast and a Beckett racing price guide was all it took.”
“He beat those guys up with his bare hands. Which had been cut off the day before and placed in a safety deposit box fifty miles away.”
… to be continued …
Look for my feats on Twitter. Here is my new book.
Journalism, Essays, Broadcasting, Books 