A FEW YEARS AGO a fictional person I’ll call Max discovered video games. He loved to play Internet games on the family desktop computer. They were freely available and provided the occasional hour or-so, here and there, of fun. But this happy condition didn’t last.

Max got bored and soon wanted a Game Boy, so his parents bought him one. He was happy, but this didn’t last either.

Next he wanted a Nintendo DS, so eventually his parents got him one. In time, however, what he really wanted was a laptop. The laptop was fun, for a time. Max decided a PlayStation 3 and a gaming computer would make him happy. And of course his dumdum parents, after months of their son’s relentless obsessing and petition, bought Max the gaming computer, because they wanted him to be happy. Max saved some money, and with some help he also bought the PS3. And he was happy—until the newer version of the console came out, which soon enough it did.

Now Max wants the newer version which will render his games, that only months ago made him happy, obsolete. And when he’s saved enough money to buy the new console (because his parents are not going to do it) he will be happy, right?

Right.

Here’s the truth: corporations want you to be unhappy, and they go to great lengths to ensure it

It isn’t only video games and gaming consoles that have this cycle of happy/unhappy/happy built into them. Companies will go out of business if they make stuff that will last and satisfy you for a lifetime. They do want you to be happy with your purchase—but only until the warranty runs out. They’ve perfected the cycle: satisfied long enough to keep what you bought, but not so long that you’ll have no interest in the new version.

Have you noticed that your car is mostly trouble-free until about six months after you’ve made the last payment? After that your once-trouble-free car requires new parts. Your monthly repair and maintenance costs quickly catch up to, and then exceed, the lease payments of a new car. The car manufacturers have planned this. They ensure that you’ll make the last payment just as all the predictable maintenance is on the horizon. You’ll celebrate being lease-free, but the happiness won’t last. Before the year is out you’ll go grudgingly back to the dealership, because the car you now own outright is an ever-deepening money pit.

Today’s industries are not in the business of fulfillment and happiness: they are in the business of making you unfulfilled and unhappy.

That is why I have developed the world’s first product that breaks entirely free of this cycle.

I call my unique and revolutionary product the HAPPINESS CRYSTAL®‎

Here’s how it works.

For a low, one-time payment of $9.95 you get the HAPPINESS CRYSTAL.®‎ The HAPPINESS CRYSTAL®‎ comes with a lifetime guarantee and a list of astonishing but 100% true features:

– requires no batteries, gasoline or non-renewable energy
– 100% organic and natural
– no two HAPPINESS CRYSTALS® are exactly alike!
– requires no maintenance
– will never break down
– has been here a long time and is therefore more adapted and advanced than you are
– impervious to computer hacks, identity theft and viruses
– the HAPPINESS CRYSTAL®‎ is NOTHING AT ALL like a Pet Rock, so don’t even go there okay?
– scratch and crack resistant
– able to survive hurricane, flood, tornado, earthquake and zombie apocalypse
– has dozens of practical day-to-day uses but will also just sit quietly in the corner if you want
– is made of star stuff, just like you, but unlike you will not lose you car keys or walk into a room and say “Why did I come in here again?”
– will not pee on the carpet or give you a tropical disease
– the HAPPINESS CRYSTAL®‎ has been naturally aged for billions of years and will retain its patina
– it will bring you as much pleasure fifty years from now as it does today
– fits perfectly in a Christmas stocking! Or a Kwanzaa stocking, if that’s a thing
– this version of the HAPPINESS CRYSTAL®‎ will be up-to-date for a minimum of 4,000,000,000 years—at which time the earth will be destroyed, and with it the HAPPINESS CRYSTAL.®‎ So sorry 😦

To order yours, simply send me $9.95 (cash) and then a week later go out into the woods near where you live. By then, your HAPPINESS CRYSTAL®‎ will have been hand delivered in the most tender and loving manner, by one of our HAPPINESS CRYSTAL®‎ Associates. Do you see it? Over there, near the tree. Yes, there! That is your new HAPPINESS CRYSTAL.® Enjoy!

⟳ READ MORE LIKE THIS

Look for my HAPPINESS CRYSTAL® on Twitter and find happiness in my new book.