WELCOME to Christmas, the time of year when people dress up like serious adults, to go to staff parties where they act like drunken toddlers.

My partner isn’t a dress-and-make-up sort of woman. She’s a boxer, an extreme boot-camper, and a retired roller derby jammer and team captain. She’s more of an I’m-going-to-kick-your-ass sort of woman.

Here she is after winning a bout.

Maybe because I come from a long line of I’m-going-to-kick-your-ass women, the I’m-going-to-kick-your-ass women are my favourite women.

I understand this notion that staff Christmas parties are not the place for hip-checks, waterfalls and J-blocks. I don’t agree with this notion, but I recognize it’s one of those unfortunate, inexplicable things that just exists—like flat-earthers and people who like Amanda Palmer.

So we’re going to have to dress up and look nice, which is not our normal thing. And of course it’s a lot harder for women than it is for men, especially if you are a woman who has never been a hair and makeup kind of person. If I ever need advice on such matters, my partner is not going to be the one to help me. And I just realized today that I do need this advice.

If you are a writer, you may need it too. Which brings me to the point of this post.

My proven killer tips for writing success

Here is an article that will change the way you think about writing.

Okay, so we’ve established the first point:

One-half of self-published authors earn less than $500

Just to put that in context, $500 is two-thirds the median income of a person who works full-time in the filling a shopping cart with pop bottles industry, or nine-twelfths the typical income of a pencils-in-a-cup entrepreneur.

There’s hope however for writers further into the article, and I’m going to show you what it is.

Because if I had a dollar for every time a writer asked me Wayne, can you offer me some hope? then my coffee each morning would be made from free-range street water filtered through the finest of hand-picked cigarette butts.

Do you see that, right there in front of your eyes?

Writing success is as easy as being an educated 41-year-old female romance writer

I know what you are saying. But Wayne, I’m a thirty-year-old man. Sorry, but that attitude is going to get you nowhere.

Do you want success as a writer, or do you not? Okay, then.

Focus your efforts on becoming a better forty-one-year-old woman who writes romance fiction

I’m not saying it’s easy. But here are some tips.

Tip 1. Men: if you really think you need it, apparently there are these stores you can go to that will do your makeup. It’s an option is what I’m saying.

Tip 2. Using Photoshop, you can alter your birth certificate and driver’s license and pretty much everything so that you will always be forty-one. You can also make a university degree, if you don’t have one already. (Suggested degree: Doctor of Romance, The Polytechnic Institute of Sexual Tension.)

Tip 3. All of your lead male characters should have great pectorals and breath that smells like mint.

Tip 4. Romance comes from the medieval French word roman. So always have at least one Roman in your story. (Also remember: the Romans should have great pectorals.)

Tip 5. Your title should make everyone think “Fifty Shades of Grey.” So, Lots of Hues of Brown or Look At All These Not-Black But Also Not-White are good titles. Also good is Pewter, Greige and their Forty-Eight Friends, provided that you’re writing for people who are really into romance and Pantone charts.

If you really want to take this to a higher level, the character Chromium should be an aspiring young Gladiator who has minty breath and amazing pectorals and is in a BDSM relationship with Sagebrush.

So get to it. Also, it goes without saying that I should receive at least half of your royalties.