THE OTHER DAY I was teaching my son Photoshop, and the result was my master work, above. Indeed, quite possibly one of the greatest works of our generation, when you realize that 92% of culture today is pictures of cats hasing cheezburgers and staring through ceiling holes and LOLing. There is even a website of cats that look like Hitler, although that is not so much culture as it is a reason to use the word kitler and to give Czechoslovakia a heads-up.

Important tip for parents

The only knowledge you need to impart to your children is how to use Photoshop.

But Wayne, you are saying. What about math and reading? How are my children going to get through life without an advanced degree in things like science?

They can Photoshop these things

We all know that everything is Photoshopped. Even the photos of your’s truly, which grace this website of mine.

The hardest part is adding that salt-and-pepper to my hair which I feel gives me a certain gravitas. Thank goodness for the Photoshop hair plug-in. And while we’re on the subject, has no one come up with a way to expand my options here? I mean, salt and pepper? How pedestrian. I am so looking forward to the day when my hair can be chives, crushed chillies and parmesan.

Some people have argued that Photoshop has made it impossible to know what is real and what is not real, and that this is somehow a bad thing. They argue that life will be very difficult for future historians, and that despite having more information than ever before, we may end up worse off because so much of this information is bad, or even faked, information.

The fatal weakness of this argument is that it fails to consider the future historians who find this

Because you and I both know exactly how that is going to go.

Future historian #1: WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?
Future historian #2: I know, eh.
Future historian #1: Ho! That is awesome.
Future historian #2: Yeah, dude. Photoshop!

By then Photoshop will be up to version CS9927, and will have menu items like File –> Make –> A hotdog. So you won’t even have to leave your desk at lunch time.

Also, look how big Photoshop hot dogs are in the future! And you can even File –> Edit –> Add bacon!

So head down to the comment section and help me name my masterpiece.

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