On the Vastness of The President’s Crowd

My name is Kalashnikov, it is true. The President is a lover of honesty, and of facts, and of reality, and so he has hired me to be his personal detective. That is why I carry this notebook of mine wherever I go. I am forever conducting investigations on behalf of the President. I am forever sorting out the truth on behalf of the President. Which is to say the facts. Which is to say the reality. Yes, I am in the business of reality, the real, the thing in and of itself. The President is a lover of the thing itself, the thing in and of itself. And I am at his service.

Read More

The Rage of a President

Mr. Crusher is intoxicated. He is a world spectacle. All eyes look upon him, all ears listen to his words. The heavens still the rain when he speaks at the inaugural. It seems as if God Himself now defers to the orange menace.

Read More

President Lincoln Has Returned

The fog of a Washington sky obscures the waning moon, as an inaugural gloom overtakes the nation. Lightning strikes the Lincoln Memorial, piercing the paraffin-saturated ceiling of translucent Alabama marble. The bolt electrifies the sixteenth President of the United States. The animated figure rises, breaking free of the fasces with one heave of its arms. Mr. Lincoln has returned.

Read More

The Inauguration Episode: Podcast 76

Week of 16.01.2017

The Scottish Twilight Zone Inauguration Preview | The Two Donald Trumps | Totally All-American Karaoke Springsteen Inauguration Party

The Roundtable Podcast 76

Dear Diary (Jan 17)

Dear Diary,

In three sleeps I will be the 45th President of the United States and the best President ever of all time. My inauguration will be the best inauguration and they will look back and see that the marching bands were the best marching bands. I will say to President O, Get the F*** Out Of My House! Maybe I will say something else (I haven’t decided) but in my mind I will definitely be thinking GTFO. Then I will have someone pee on the bed where he slept and then burn it on a giant fire, while I dance naked under the full moon, because I hate him.

Read More

The Orange Menace and the Spirit of MLK

in the dark pushing the tiny buttons the tiny buttons and soon morning in the dark pushing tiny buttons almost and hit send that will show the loser who is the stronger my army of angry followers my army so angry we are strong they will see how strong how so so and i am the president greater than all others the winner strong damien crusher has won has destroyed the others the president leader of the world the leader of the world i am that i am that i am

Read More

Talk Amongst Yourself: Podcast 75

Week of 09.01.2017

How CNN and BuzzFeed Failed | The Women’s Clothing Store Man’s Oasis | Ronald Reagan Revisited | An Interview with Me | Toronto’s Indigenous Business District

The Roundtable Podcast 75