America

Podcast 80

Senator Beyak and Tactile Close Encounters of a New Kind | My New Mike Pence Purity Rules | Jared Kushner’s Mar-a-Lago One-Stop Shopping Mall of America

Kalashnikov’s Umbrella

I have been summoned by the President-elect, Mr. Crusher. He wishes to speak to me of peace. Not only of peace, but of war. And not only of peace and of war, but of the Middle East. You see, Mr. Crusher believes that he can bring peace to the Middle East.

The Ghost of Presidents Future

Mr. George W. Bush furrows his brow, rests his chin in hand. As he floats in the air, his tapping foot touches nothing.
“I was supposed to say something to you about starting World War III. You know, to do it, or to don’t do it. It’s either good or evil, World War III. ”
“So true. I haven’t made up my mind yet, to be honest. Some days I’m leaning one way, other days—.”

A Bigly Christmas

Gather around, children, gather around. That’s right, at my feet, like good patriotic Americans. Kids, don’t sit on the Louis XIV chairs, made of the best 24k gold, okay? Sit here on the marble floor, which my servants will have an easier time sanitizing after you’re gone, which hopefully will be soon.

The Party

– “Look at her,” shouts the Orange Menace. “Look at the loser! So SAD!”
They look. They attack. Now that the party has been given a common theme, a shared purpose, they co-ordinate, like a master switch turning everything on simultaneously. They focus their hate on the young lady and set to the work of tearing her down.

Mr. and Mrs. Fashism

After the news, Mr. Crusher appears on the television with an update on the Emergency. “My fellow Americans, I am doing this for you. I am suspending some of your rights, for you, because there is an Emergency. God bless you.”

Mr. Leftright

I have worked out the most efficient way to ensure that there is change, by alternating my vote, in turn voting for the progressive candidate, who moves things forward, and then in turn for the conservative candidate, who moves things back. In other words I alternate back and forth, casting a vote for progress followed by a vote for conservation, every four years an alternating.

The President’s Spokesperson Speaks

All you need to understand is that we are going to make America great again. Great is a word, and it is a spirit. Yes, I am saying spirit again. I did say it, it’s no contradiction on my part to have said I didn’t ever say it, for when I said hope I was saying spirit, and when I was saying spirit I was saying hope.