Tag Archives: Humor

I Paid $7 for a Powerful Secret and This is What Happened

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TODAY ON MY WALK I saw not one, but four dogs wearing boots. That’s when I started doing something I do a lot, which I call logicalling.

Obviously the dogs did not ask for boots, or pick them out, or put them on. For thousands of years, dogs have been doing fine without sweaters and boots and dog-house air conditioning, an actual thing, and they’d still be doing fine if it weren’t for people with too much spare money.

Why, all-of-a-sudden, in the year 2014, do dogs need winter boots?

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I’m Not So Sure About this Whole Follow Your Dreams Thing

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ONCE AGAIN, I am rocking the achy, fevery, too-tired-to-move-around thing. I should probably cook some real food, but meh. The good news is that, if a bag of Moritz Icy Squares and two teaspoons of horseradish can cure an infection, I should be fine real soon. If this is not a cure, then at least it was lunch and we’ve all learned something scientific about infections and their relationship to Icy Squares and two teaspoons of Armoracia rusticana.

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Approval is a Funny Thing

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MY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD son probably wouldn’t approve of me mentioning him in print, so it’s a good thing this is about my friend Wally’s fourteen-year-old son. To those of you who think I am making up Wally and his son, I have two words: plausible deniability. That’s something I learned from a former American President who may or may not have been from Arkansas—it all depends upon what the meaning of the word Arkansas is. Or I’ll just say I was in the bathroom during that meeting, and I don’t remember anything, which I also learned from a former US President whose son was also a former US President.

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Let’s Put On Our Science Hats

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THE OTHER DAY the United Nations released a report on global climate change, whose title I don’t recall but I’ll guess is something like OMG We Are So Screwed People, and it concludes that:

– the Earth’s climate has warmed at a rate faster than any other time in the past 800,000 years
– it is 95% certain that global climate warming is anthropogenic
– if global greenhouse gas (CO2) emissions are not reduced to zero by the end of this century, we will miss the below-two-degree-celsius target we need to meet if we’re to avoid volatile and catastrophic weather events.

Okay, now for the rest of this you’ll need to put on your science hat. You have a science hat, right? Good! I’ll wait here until you’re ready.

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Someone Needs to Teach Me a Lesson by Sending Me to Malta

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NOT FAR FROM where I live there’s a neighbourhood called “Little Malta.” And in the Little Malta neighbourhood, there’s a travel agency with posters in the windows promoting travel to—you guessed it—Malta. I used to chuckle when I passed the Little Malta travel agency, not because I think there’s something wrong with Malta. More like I don’t think very much of anything about Malta. I mean, apart from Maltesians and Maltaphiles and Maltists, if those are even words, who does?

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Don’t Do Drugs, Young People. That Is MY Job.

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ACCORDING TO the not-very-helpful stuff I’ve read, I’m either a Baby Boomer or a Generation Xer, and that’s because I was born in the year that one ends and the other begins, which is also the best year in human history. I’m not going to explain why 1965 is the best year ever, and not only because it was the year I was born—although, really, what more could you possibly need? It’s like explaining all the many reasons why pizza is great: number one is gobs of oozy cheese, and number two is who cares, give me a slice NOW.

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E-cigarettes? Kids, Cigarettes Were Better When They Were Acoustic

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OH, LORDY, THE OLDEN days. Gather round, kids: grandpa is going to tell you allaboutsem.

The moving pictures. They were all black-and-white, just how we liked ’em. Take Humphrey Bogart. He was strong and smart, and not only did he know what was right, he did it, too! Every man wanted to be like ol’ Bogart, which is why men wore fedoras and trench coats and spent their time on the Moroccan tarmac, in the fog, waiting for Ingrid Bergman. Yeah, now that you mention it, it does sound creepy.

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How Hard Could It Be to Have a Billion Twitter Followers?

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OKAY, first of all. So I joined the Twitter around February, nine months ago. That means I’ve been on it long enough to make a baby. Which I guess means that I have made a tweets baby, or maybe it’s a Twitter baby, because premise-conclusion is how logic works and you can’t argue with it. Because it’s logic. Anyways, I’m thinking that when my baby grows up, all the other kids are going to call her “twit,” which is so wrong. But that’s for another post.

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That Month I Decided to Respond To All My Spam

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It’s Friday and sunny out, so here is a welcome-to-the-weekend post. Hope you enjoy it.

A FEW YEARS BACK I got tired of getting spam email. For some reason, there was a month when I suddenly got a huge surge of it. Now, most spam is just nonsense email generated by a computer somewhere. But some of it is less spam than scam, and as we all know a lot of spam nowadays preys on older folks who are vulnerable and not especially Internet saavy. This kind of spammer is particularly reprehensible, and I decided to do something about it. I started to mess with them. I set up an email account under the name Tyler H. Masterson, and for a month I responded to every spam message that looked like a real person was behind it. Some of these ended up being weeks of exchanges. I’ve lost most of them, and some were just me being rude, so rather than post a bunch of mean emails, I’ve selected a few of the more lighthearted, funny ones. Here we go ….

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Let’s Make Fun of Environmentalism

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HAS IT EVER occurred to you how weird it is to worry about the environment? First of all, think about the word environment. It means everything, all the stuff everywhere that’s all around you: tress, bugs, sunshine, atoms, radiation. My dictionary defines the environment as “the objects or the region surrounding anything.” Worrying about the environment is therefore about as specific and meaningful as worrying about stuff and things.

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The Uncanny Symmetry of Jennifer Lawrence and Me

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I HAVE A RULE that states I don’t write about sports or movie stars, but today I’m breaking that rule. It’s my website, so it’s my rules (broken). Hollywood keeps sticking their loud faces into my life, over and over, so I’m stealing Jennifer Lawrence from them and putting her on my website, for whatever meagre benefits I can gain. A few hundred people are going to land here now, totally by accident, and when they do I’ll be waiting with a big sign that says A-ha! But don’t leave right away, because this is a post about Jennifer Lawrence. Or to be more specific, it’s a post about all the things Jennifer Lawrence and I have in common. Yeah, it’s Jennifer Lawrence with a BONUS.

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Conversation and the Writer’s Voice

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A TOPIC CAN BE both vast and yet reducible to the most simple of terms. Here’s an example: a writer is a person who does things with words. Whether her goal is to inform, deceive, terrify, entertain, charm, persuade or seduce, a writer will have to do it with words. A reader, also, has nothing but words from which to cultivate the pictures, emotions and experiences which are ‘in’ the text. A writer’s voice is a big topic, but the topic does indeed rest upon these objects called words. And words alone.

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