DECEMBER 1st has arrived, and here at the ranch that means it’s time to light the advent candle!
All posts by Wayne K. Spear
The Divine Kika—an interview
1/2 of self-published authors earn under $500: I’ve figured out how not to be one of them
WELCOME to Christmas, the time of year when people dress up like serious adults, to go to staff parties where they act like drunken toddlers.
Please help me name my masterpiece
THE OTHER DAY I was teaching my son Photoshop, and the result was my master work, above. Indeed, quite possibly one of the greatest works of our generation, when you realize that 92% of culture today is pictures of cats hasing cheezburgers and staring through ceiling holes and LOLing. There is even a website of cats that look like Hitler, although that is not so much culture as it is a reason to use the word kitler and to give Czechoslovakia a heads-up.
Dear American capitalism, my Black Friday idea is worth $100 million
Here’s a for-reals, not-made-up headline:
There is nothing special about this photo. Using your metal box, the one that has the World Wide Internetting in it, you’ll be able to find many photos just like this. Come to think of it, you’re reading this, which means you’re already using your little metal box of Interweb. Good for you!
This was my brain on 70s songs
TO ME, the 1970s was the decade of memorable music. When I look back, I see a more relaxed and care-free time than now. You could write a song about anything—like driving around in a truck, with a bunch of other people who are also just driving around in a truck. And you didn’t even have to sing; you could pretty much talk the whole song. The result in this instance is the huge hit “Convoy.”
Are you amazing and full of life? Well here is how you know.
A WISE MAN once said that a cluttered desk is the sign of a brilliant, active mind. And the reason the wise man said this is that people kept coming into his office and saying Oh my god—LOOK AT YOUR DESK! And frankly, I’d had just about enough of that.
Now I would like to update this irrefutable truism to read as follows:
Any mess that I make, anywhere, is a certain indication of how amazing and full of vitality I am.
In English, this is called a coup
I SAW THIS SIGN on the subway:
The caption, which I wasn’t able to photograph in full, reads,
In 2050, the first spoken language in the world will be French
As an uncredentialled but 100% reliable brainologist, I point out that this sign does not say French will be the most-spoken language. But your brain processes it that way. And the creators of this sign, who are probably credentialed French brainologists, know this, and take advantage. I’m not saying this sign is lying. My point is much less bold and much less controversial than that …
Those French people are sneaky
Should I get a cat?
THERE I WAS, puttering around the compound in my David Johns Casual—named after the preferred around-the-house stylings of uncle Dave throughout my childhood.
Civilization is too important to let Venetian old-style serifs fall to the jihadists
A FEW DAYS AGO, I told you about my adventures in televisionland. Well, wouldn’t you know it, but right after I published that piece, Bell Media announced a big whack of layoffs. Here’s how Canadian Press reported it:
Jacqueline Milczarek is the host of CTV News Panel, or as I’ve been referring to it for nine months, “this newsy thingy I’m apparently on each week.” Or rather, she was the host, up until now.
I Paid $7 for a Powerful Secret and This is What Happened
TODAY ON MY WALK I saw not one, but four dogs wearing boots. That’s when I started doing something I do a lot, which I call logicalling.
Obviously the dogs did not ask for boots, or pick them out, or put them on. For thousands of years, dogs have been doing fine without sweaters and boots and dog-house air conditioning, an actual thing, and they’d still be doing fine if it weren’t for people with too much spare money.
Why, all-of-a-sudden, in the year 2014, do dogs need winter boots?
Sex and Drugs and Mowing Lawn
SOME THINGS ARE GREAT, and there’s just no denying it. And the measure of greatness is irresistibility. That’s why, on a scale of one-to-ten, drugs are seven and sex is maybe an eight but potato chips are definitely a ten. Because I know that, if there’s a bag of chips on the counter, resistance is futile. I am going to be eating those chips—it’s that simple. Whereas I’m not sure how I even feel about a bag of sex. Is there such a thing? If so, I doubt it’s available in barbecue, salt and vinegar, and dill pickle. Certainly there’s no all-dressed. So chips win.
My Bad Advice, For Free, Just For You
SO THE OTHER DAY, just for fun, I Googled “google autofill is not working.” Then I got thinking, what would you do if Google autofill was not working and you wanted to find out why, but you couldn’t remember the term “Google autofill” and needed Google to auto-fill it in for you so you could get your answer?
That’s when I stumbled on the greatest idea of all time.
Strange Beauty: Podcast 73
• Week of 09.11.2014
Berlin Wall | Cooking with Blood | Crimes Against Headlines | Music: Freddie Gibbs, “Shame” | George W. Bush Writes a Book About His Father | New Star Wars Movie | Bruce Jenner | Strange Beauty Tips | Jian Ghomeshi
Download entire podcast (320 kbps mp3) | Visit The Roundtable on Facebook.
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Let’s Talk Tee-Vee
A LOT OF PEOPLE (at least two of them) have asked about this little TV thing I do each week. So today I’m dedicating a segment to some Tee-Vee talk. Segment, by the way, is a TV word. See how I worked it like a real pro!
Journalism, Essays, Broadcasting, Books 