Category Archives: Humor

Humorous essays for everyday life, by Wayne K. Spear

My Grade 11 English Teacher, Mrs. Joyce, Marks Christmas Carols

f
Jingle Bells

Obviously the bells jingle: that’s what they are made to do. Try “bells, bells all the way.” (See Strunk and White, “Omit needless words.”) Also, does the protagonist have some sort of objection to a multi-horse and/or closed sleigh? If so, explain; if not, cut. C-

Let it Snow

Do you really mean to say that the weather outside is filled with fright? If so, this is a pathetic fallacy. And who exactly is going to “let it snow”? Who could stop it snowing? Use the indicative mood to invigorate your prose. C

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

What is the significance of the chestnuts? You open the scene with them but don’t do much else. Remember: if there is a gun on the mantle in act one, it must be fired by act four. Perhaps the roasted chestnuts could explode and disfigure Jack Frost, or the reindeer could eat them and lose their powers of flight. This would create an interesting narrative problem for Santa to resolve. “Yuletide carols being sung by a choir” should be “a choir sings Yuletide carols.” Avoid passive voice. D+

Little Drummer Boy

What on earth is a pa rum pum pum pum? Does the drummer boy suffer from some kind of compulsive tick? Is he trying to communicate an important message. Is the pa-rum-pum-pum-pum akin to the “ou-boum” of E. M. Forster’s A Passage to India? Explore. D-

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

If the nose is said to glow, then it is implicitly very bright. Show, don’t tell. D

Silent night

Silent? With the quaking shepherds and the streaming glories and the singing hosts. Do you know how many people are in a host? And they’re singing. Try editing this one with a view to making it about a rowdy night. C

O Christmas Tree

Twenty-four lines to establish that it’s a nice tree, because it has green and sparkly branches? Remember: brevity is the soul of wit. D-

Winter Wonderland

Too much going on here. First there are bells, then glistening snow. Why has the bluebird gone? And what is the significance of this “new bird”? Why even bring birds into it? Clearly this story is about a couple who are so eager to marry that they’ll let a snowman “do the job,” as you so vulgarly put it. The rest is just confusing. Cut. C-

Away in a Manger

The baby is either away, or else in the manger. I don’t understand how the protagonist can be in the barn, and then looking down from the sky—all within a few lines. This is fine if you are writing in a genre, such as science fiction, that allows for teleportation. Perhaps you could re-write this as an extra-terrestrial carol about futuristic travel. C

humor-tag

Find me on Twitter and, also, here is my new book.

like-share

5 tell-tale warning signs that you may be a writer

Warning: you may be a writer!

Screen Shot 2014-12-04 at 9.00.45 AM

WHAT IS A WRITER? The screen shot above has some suggestions: writers are crazy, forgetful and always selling someone out.

Now, I’m a writer and I must object to this libel. I am not “always” selling someone out. Tuesday to Friday I write, Saturday I do laundry, and Sunday morning I take a long walk in the park. That leaves, at most, Sunday afternoon and all of Monday for selling people out.

I can has more? (Click for more!)

5 common mistakes made by writers

PAPER-AND-PENCIL

IF YOU READ this little website of mine, you probably know I’m a fan of science and that I talk about sciency and logically things all the time. My partner Nicole follows IFLScience, where they have some science gift ideas that are cool and that you should definitely check out, for that special science nerd in your life.

I can has more? (Click for more!)

Please help me name my masterpiece

wayne-cat-space

THE OTHER DAY I was teaching my son Photoshop, and the result was my master work, above. Indeed, quite possibly one of the greatest works of our generation, when you realize that 92% of culture today is pictures of cats hasing cheezburgers and staring through ceiling holes and LOLing. There is even a website of cats that look like Hitler, although that is not so much culture as it is a reason to use the word kitler and to give Czechoslovakia a heads-up.

I can has more! (Click to read full post)

Dear American capitalism, my Black Friday idea is worth $100 million

Here’s a for-reals, not-made-up headline:

Screen Shot 2014-11-28 at 7.46.23 AM
Screen Shot 2014-11-28 at 7.46.31 AM

There is nothing special about this photo. Using your metal box, the one that has the World Wide Internetting in it, you’ll be able to find many photos just like this. Come to think of it, you’re reading this, which means you’re already using your little metal box of Interweb. Good for you!

I can has more! (Click to read full post)

This was my brain on 70s songs

Midnight at the Oasis is a song about narrowly escaping death, cannibalism, and having to drink your own pee
Midnight at the Oasis is a song about narrowly escaping death, cannibalism, and having to drink your own pee

TO ME, the 1970s was the decade of memorable music. When I look back, I see a more relaxed and care-free time than now. You could write a song about anything—like driving around in a truck, with a bunch of other people who are also just driving around in a truck. And you didn’t even have to sing; you could pretty much talk the whole song. The result in this instance is the huge hit “Convoy.”

I can has more! (Click to read full post)

Are you amazing and full of life? Well here is how you know.

Genius Desk

A WISE MAN once said that a cluttered desk is the sign of a brilliant, active mind. And the reason the wise man said this is that people kept coming into his office and saying Oh my god—LOOK AT YOUR DESK! And frankly, I’d had just about enough of that.

Now I would like to update this irrefutable truism to read as follows:

Any mess that I make, anywhere, is a certain indication of how amazing and full of vitality I am.

I can has MORE! (Click to read the full post)

In English, this is called a coup

I SAW THIS SIGN on the subway:

french-2050

The caption, which I wasn’t able to photograph in full, reads,

In 2050, the first spoken language in the world will be French

As an uncredentialled but 100% reliable brainologist, I point out that this sign does not say French will be the most-spoken language. But your brain processes it that way. And the creators of this sign, who are probably credentialed French brainologists, know this, and take advantage. I’m not saying this sign is lying. My point is much less bold and much less controversial than that …

Those French people are sneaky

Continue …

Civilization is too important to let Venetian old-style serifs fall to the jihadists

Jacqueline Milczarek
I hope it’s Comic Sans and Papyrus!

A FEW DAYS AGO, I told you about my adventures in televisionland. Well, wouldn’t you know it, but right after I published that piece, Bell Media announced a big whack of layoffs. Here’s how Canadian Press reported it:

Jacqueline Milczarek

Jacqueline Milczarek is the host of CTV News Panel, or as I’ve been referring to it for nine months, “this newsy thingy I’m apparently on each week.” Or rather, she was the host, up until now.

Continue …

I Paid $7 for a Powerful Secret and This is What Happened

dogs-in-boots

TODAY ON MY WALK I saw not one, but four dogs wearing boots. That’s when I started doing something I do a lot, which I call logicalling.

Obviously the dogs did not ask for boots, or pick them out, or put them on. For thousands of years, dogs have been doing fine without sweaters and boots and dog-house air conditioning, an actual thing, and they’d still be doing fine if it weren’t for people with too much spare money.

Why, all-of-a-sudden, in the year 2014, do dogs need winter boots?

Continue …

Sex and Drugs and Mowing Lawn

I think this is one of those Spanish-language cop buddy shows where they put aside their differences over snack foods
I think this translates as “Nadie Can’t Resist and Neither Can Sabor.” It’s probably one of those Spanish-language cop buddy shows where the odd couple put aside their differences over snack foods.

SOME THINGS ARE GREAT, and there’s just no denying it. And the measure of greatness is irresistibility. That’s why, on a scale of one-to-ten, drugs are seven and sex is maybe an eight but potato chips are definitely a ten. Because I know that, if there’s a bag of chips on the counter, resistance is futile. I am going to be eating those chips—it’s that simple. Whereas I’m not sure how I even feel about a bag of sex. Is there such a thing? If so, I doubt it’s available in barbecue, salt and vinegar, and dill pickle. Certainly there’s no all-dressed. So chips win.

Continue …

My Bad Advice, For Free, Just For You

Screen Shot 2014-11-19 at 11.08.50 AM

SO THE OTHER DAY, just for fun, I Googled “google autofill is not working.” Then I got thinking, what would you do if Google autofill was not working and you wanted to find out why, but you couldn’t remember the term “Google autofill” and needed Google to auto-fill it in for you so you could get your answer?

That’s when I stumbled on the greatest idea of all time.

Continue …